Da li sam ja zaljubljena ili volim? ///// Have I fallen in love or am I IN love?

Month number 11, Task 1

(scroll down for English translation of the text)

U poslednje vreme mi je ponestalo ideja za zadatke u okviru Projekta 6x6, pa su mi dragi blogodrugari na mom drugom blogu CreaCtive dali ideju da se ovog meseca posvetim temi Ljubav. Uskoro je Dan zaljubljenih, a o ljubavi svašta može da se napiše i uradi, pa sam brzinski krenula u akciju. I trudiću se da ne budem puno patetična, kako bi vam bilo zanimljivo da čitate :)

I eto nas kod priče o zaljubljenosti i ljubavi... Jedan poznati novosadski psiholog je rekao: "u zaljubljenosti ti tražiš nekoga da sa njim PROživiš, a u ljubavi da PREživiš". I zaista je tako. Kada sam se zaljubiljivala samo sam bila usmerena na to kako da se dobro provedem sa tim momkom, kako da nam bude lepo. Neminovnim neprijatnim  stvarima tu nekako nije bilo mesta. Ili su bile ignorisane. Leptirići u stomaku, žmarci u rukama. Kao da si u nekoj drugoj dimenziji.

A u ljubavi su najvažnije sigurnost, podrška, razumevanje, komunikacija. Vrednosti o kojima u "proživljavanju" ni ne razmišljamo. No, mislim da i ovde postoji "kvaka 22", jer ako se usmerimo samo na ove prethodno opisane vrednosti, opet nije dobro. Ne smeju se zaboraviti ni intimnost i (barem povremeni) dobar zajednički provod. Što me dovodi do nekog ličnog zaključka da su dva osnovna stožera uspešne ljubavi: komunikacija (i sve što ona podrazumeva: razumevanje, podršku, razgovore..) i intimnost. Jedno bez drugog ne idu, a i ljubav bez oba ne može da opstane.

Da se vratimo na zaljubljenost... Još jedan moj edukator opisao ju je kao "patološko emocionalno slepilo sa selektivnom pažnjom". Ili, po naški rečeno: zaljubljena do ušiju ili zaljubljena kao ćurka. Ne vidiš loše strane druge osobe, vidiš samo njega i nikoga drugog i teško prihvataš bilo šta ili bilo koga ko može da ti umanji tu silinu predivnih osećanja koja nosiš u sebi.

Kažu da se prvo zaljubimo, pa onda pređemo u ljubav. Zaljubljenost je intenzivna, usmerena samo na pozitivno kod druge osobe. Onda dođe ljubav, koja nije baš toliko intenzivna, ali je dugotrajnija, sigurnija, funkcionalnija. U takvom opisu ljubav ispade dosadna, za ne poželeti. Čoveku prosto dođe da stalno bude samo zaljubljen. E zato sam ja našla savršeno rešenje: voleti, biti u ljubavi, ali povremeno održavati i zaljubljenost :) Nije lako, i povremeno treba to održavati takvim, ali se isplati. Sada će sigurno neki od vas reći "ljubav treba da bude spontana, na njoj ne treba raditi". Da, ona se DESI spontano, ali da bi trajala, treba je zalivati, negovati, i tu nema ničeg ružnog. Jer u suprotnom, svako od nas će, kad se jednog dana probudi i pomisli "Bože, pa da li ga ja danas volim" (što je normalna pojava), pobeći glavom bez obzira, zbog pogrešnog uverenja da ljubav mora biti jaka svakog dana, i da je to 100% stihijska pojava.

I sada na kraju, kada čovek pročita sva ova moja pisanija, nema šta drugo da pomisli nego "ako je to sve tako komplikovano, bolje da se ne zaljubljujem" iliti "nije to za mene". Ljubav jeste komplikovana, ali je upravo to njena čar. Barem nije dosadna :)

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Lately I was running out of the ideas for monthly tasks here in Project 6x6, and my dear blogging friends from my other blog CreaCtive gave me the idea to dedicate this month to the theme of Love. Soon it`ll be  Valentine`s day, and one can write and do variety of things about love, so I have immediately gone to actions. And I`ll try not to be too pathetic, so that it all stays interesting for you to read :)

So, here we are at the story about falling in love and being in love.. One famous psychologist from my town has once said: "when you are falling in love you look for someone to have a good time with, but when you are IN love you look for someone to have a security with". And it really is like that. When I was falling in love with somebody, I was constantly directed towards having a good time with him. There was no place for the inevitable unpleasant things, or they were ignored. Butterflies in the stomach, goosebumps in my arms. As if I was in another dimension..

And in love the most important things are security, support, understanding, communication. The values which in "having a good time" we don`t even think about. Anyway, I think that here we have a "catch 22", because if we pay attention only on those values, it`s not good also. You can`t forget about intimacy and (at least occasional) good night out. Which leads me to my personal conclusion that two basis of a successful love are: communication (and everything that it means: understanding, support, dialogue...) and intimacy. One can`t go without the other, and love can`t succeed without both.

Let`s go back to falling in love... Another of my educators has described it as "pathological emotional blindness with a selective attention". Or, in everyday words: fall in love like a fool. You don`t see the bad side of the person, you just see him and nobody else and you hardly accept anything or anything that can get in the way of all that emotional intensity you have in you.

They say that first we fall in love and than we are IN love. Falling in love is intensive, directed only on a positive in one person. And than being in love comes, which is not as intensive, but it`s more durable, safer, more functional. In that description love turns out to be boring, not to be wished for. One can want only to fall in love in life. That`s why I have found a perfect solution: to be in love, but also to fall in love occasionally. With the same person :) It`s not easy, and you must work on it, but it pays off. Now some of you would probably think "love must be spontaneous, you don`t have to work on it". Yes, it happens spontaneously, but in order for it to last, you need to cherish it, caress it, and there`s nothing wrong with that. Because, otherwise, each one of us would one day, when awaken with the thought "maybe I don`t love him that much today" (which is normal), run away, from the wrong belief that love must be strong every day, and that it`s something that is 100% spontaneous.

And now eventually, when one reads all of those writings of mine, would maybe think "this is waaaay to complicated for me. Better not to fall in love". Love is complicated, but that`s exactly its virtue. At least it`s not boring :)